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The Ultimate Chuck Norris Jokes List


Chuck Norris Holding Uzis

Looking for good old Chuck Norris jokes? So here they are, look no further, this list is so long that even if you read really fast, you’ll have at least 30 good minutes of laughter, or just about 7 seconds, but only if you are Chuck Norris that is.

  • Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  • Chuck Norris taught Tiger Woods how to play golf and sleep with women.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t dial the wrong number. You answered the wrong phone.
  • Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
  • Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret.
  • If Chuck Norris was a Spartan in the movie 300, the movie would be called 1.
  • Chuck Norris does not wear a condom because there is no protection from Chuck Norris.
  • When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.
  • The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t see dead people. He makes people dead.
  • If you were killed by Chuck Norris, your tombstone would read RIP, ripped into pieces.
  • The most dangerous form of transportation is Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick, it is also the fastest.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t like bugs. Thats why the Beatles stopped making music.
  • Once you go Chuck Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t dodge bullets, bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
  • When you say “no one’s perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
  • A Chuck Norris action figure has slept with more women than you.
  • Chuck Norris can stain stainless steel.
  • Chuck Norris puts the fist in pacifist.
  • Genies ask Chuck Norris for wishes.
  • Chuck Norris could build Rome in one day.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t spell words wrong. No one else spell them right.
  • Chuck Norris can breathe underwater.
  • The government pays Chuck Norris taxes.
  • There’s a 99.9% chance, Chuck Norris is your biological father.
  • If you flip over China its says made by Chuck Norris.
  • When Chuck Norris swims in the ocean, the sharks are in a steel cage.
  • When Chuck Norris jumps on a tempurpedic mattress, the glass of wine falls over.
  • Sharks have a week dedicated to Chuck Norris.
  • The last time Chuck Norris cooked dinner… Jesus and the disciples had reservations.
  • Kim Kardashian secretly wishes she had an ass like Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
  • Before he forgot to give Chuck Norris a present, Santa Clause was real.
  • Chuck Norris can punch a hurricane in the eye.
  • Vampires and Chuck Norris have a symbiotic relationship.
  • The Sun Doesn’t set, it Runs when it sees Chuck Norris.
  • When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.
  • When Chuck Norris works out he doesn’t get stronger, the machine does.
  • Blitzkreig actually translates to “Second Coming of Chuck Norris” in German.
  • Meat now comes in four grades, Select, Choice, Prime, and Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris has already been to Mars, that’s why there are no signs of life there.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, he decides what time it is.
  • Chuck Norris gave Monalisa that smile.
  • Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
  • There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
  • Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris is why World of Warcraft is abbreviated as WOW.
  • Chuck Norris’ action figure has slept with more women then most men.
  • The original name for the game Street Fighter was Spawn of Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t brush his teeth, he points his fist at his mouth and the plaque jumps out.
  • There is only one known cure for lesbianism, that’s Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t say “who’s your daddy”, because he knows the answer.
  • The clock on Chuck Norris’ VCR programs itself for fear of retaliation.
  • Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.
  • The only reason the color pink still exists is because Chuck Norris is color blind.
  • Chuck Norris can make apple juice with oranges.
  • America didn’t win the American Revolution, Chuck Norris beat the British by himself.
  • A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
  • Chuck Norris bought his car with monopoly money.
  • The only reason Michael Phelps won so many Olympic gold medals was because Chuck Norris was chasing him.
  • Chuck Norris can hit a homerun with a toothpick.
  • Chuck Norris invented guns only because he needed a somewhat of a fear fight when it came time for him to spill some blood.
  • Chuck Norris has brail on his boots so even blind people know when it’s coming.
  • Chuck norris does not get headaches, he gives them away.
  • Mike Tyson chipped a tooth while biting on Chuck Norris’ ear.
  • Chuck Norris does not goes hunting because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
  • Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
  • The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type “Chuck Norris” into Google and hit “I’m Feeling Lucky!”.
  • Chuck Norris puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter”.
  • Chuck Norris can’t break the law, Chuck Norris is the law.
  • Chuck Norris microwaves his food by putting it in his pants for a minute.
  • Light wonders how Chuck Norris moves so fast.
  • Chuck Norris once ran a stop sign, a police pulled him over to congratulate his driving.
  • Every time Chuck Norris gets mad at the sun, there’s an eclipse until Chuck calms down.
  • Two calculators are needed to add up Chuck Norris’ IQ.
  • Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  • Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross, just never his own.
  • Chuck Norris won the NBA 3 point competition with his hands in his pockets.
  • Chuck Norris once sold eBay to eBay on eBay.
  • There is only one safe place to hide from Chuck Norris, in a bodybag.
  • Chuck Norris gives the sun cancer.
  • If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
  • If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
  • The first ten minutes of the film “Saving Private Ryan” was loosley based on a game of dodgeball played by Chuck Norris in the 4th grade.
  • Most men are OK with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
  • Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
  • Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
  • If you try to introduce your mother to Chuck Norris, she’ll introduce you to your biological father.
  • When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
  • Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t endorse any company, companies endorse Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris can make all conversations a “that’s what she said” conversation.
  • The top secret ingredient to Coca-Cola is a drop of Chuck Norris’ sweat.
  • Sticks and Stones may break your bones, but so will Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris can teach an old dog new tricks, and teach a new dog old tricks.
  • If Chuck Norris places a black dot from a sharpie on himself for every person that he killed he’d be black.
  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
  • Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants.
  • Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
  • Chuck Norris can run on a tight rope while he is completey wasted.
  • Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, “Who is Chuck Norris?” to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.
  • Chuck Norris’ sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.
  • If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it’s fucking beef.
  • Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour.
  • Chuck Norris has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains.
  • Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.
  • Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies, he potato-sacks them.
  • If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.
  • The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, the only thing fear has to fear is Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about the Fight Club.
  • Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life, unless it gets in his way.
  • Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.
  • Chuck Norris can pee into the wind and not get wet.
  • Chuck Norris can find the needle in the haystack.
  • Elvis used to call Chuck Norris the King.
  • You might be a redneck if Chuck Norris says so.
  • Chuck Norris bit the apple logo.
  • CNN was once called CN, they changed because Chuck Norris didn’t like it.
  • Chuck Norris wears sunglasses so that his eyes won’t hurt the sun.
  • Chuck Norris plays four square with a bowling ball.
  • Chuck Norris’ favorite candy are jaw breakers.
  • Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him, so he tracked down nothing and killed it.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t give Christmas presents. If you live enough to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck.
  • Chuck Norris gave cats nine lives so he could kill them more.
  • Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.
  • The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris’ dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
  • Microsoft has released a new Anti-virus removal tool called Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t have a bank account, he just tells the bank how much he needs.
  • Contrary to popular belief, George Bush is a great speaker and rarely mispronounces words. He appears incompetent because he knows Chuck Norris is watching.
  • If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it’s probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty.
  • Chuck Norris never hides, he only seeks.
  • If Chuck Norris were an Olympic athlete, the Olympics would be canceled. Every four years they would just mail Chuck Norris his 237 gold medals.
  • Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
  • Chuck Noris caught all 150 pokemon in 2.7 seconds.
  • Orion admires Chuck Norris’ belt.
  • Chuck Norris won the tour de france, on a stationary bike.
  • The Guinness Book of World Records was originally titled “Chuck Norris facts”.
  • Chuck Norris’ pencils sharpen themselves.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t breath air, he holds air hostage.
  • Chuck Norris can speak in Morse code.
  • Chuck Norris can grate fresh parmesan cheese with his beard.
  • Ninjas aren’t paid to kill Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris kills ninjas for free.
  • Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
  • Chuck Norris is the only true white man who can jump.
  • Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn’t submitted them to this site because he doesn’t believe in any form of submission.

Do you know of a good Chuck Norris joke that is not on this list? If you do, it would be awesome if you tweet that to me @rayvellest, then I can add to this list. Thanks!


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